In the last year I became hyper-vigilent and more negative. I remember one time my mother not being able to find the cat and me immediately thinking the cat has died and planning on how to bury it and hide it's death (while the cat was just sleeping under a table), or my mother not picking up my calls and me being so sure she might have lost consciousness that I had to ask someone to run to her house to make sure she's ok (her phone was just out of power).

Looking back I guess the explanation for why those things happened is that if you are already thinking of the worst scenarios, it feels like nothing bad can take you by surprise. Can't break me if I'm already broken. If things turn out bad it was like you knew that would happen, and if they don't.. that comes as a nice surprise.

But vigilence means living in anxiety. And luckily the last months of my life have been wonderful, as I was so graced in every aspect of my life: health, family, friends, job.. Everyone close to me is happy and doing well. They are getting married, having babies, buying real estate, going out and celebrating.

So I feel like I missed out on rejoicing in wonderful peaceful moments and instead spent too much time in tension and asuming bad events and intentions.

And now I am relearning to be more optimistic and relaxed. If there's no proof, at least imagine positive things, they'll serve you better, my therapist says.


The other day I read something about how trauma makes people stay at the age when the traumatic events happend to them. Don't let temporary lessons become your permanent reality, the author said. And I felt that. My permanent reality had became hyper-vigilance, and I am so ready to let it go.


A couple of days ago I saw a clip with someone I recently met and didn't like very much that changed my whole perception of him. He talks in the clip about the beatings he took as a child and his suicied attempts, about overcoming living in fear and managing to raise his kids better, build a big company. I really like him now that I know him better, that I know his vulnerabilities.

It made me think about how little we know about each others struggles. If we'd share them more I think there would be more love in the world.