Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend
..But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My roommate says,
"I'm going to take a shower and shave,
does anyone need to use the bathroom?"
..It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of.
I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong.
...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!"
An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait,
fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I had a Velcro (arici) wallet in a casino..
That sound annoyed the hell out of me.
Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach..
Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say,
"It's cool, he's with me."

I used to do drugs.
I still do, but I used to, too.



He totally was one of the smartest.